Background Noise

About 2 and a half months ago, I was sitting on my kitchen counter, drinking wine with my boyfriend, Freddy and waiting for the pasta to finish boiling. It was all very casual. We filled each other in on our days and discussed the insignificant things that other people don’t care enough to listen to, like what we had for lunch, or what our schedules looked like for the rest of the week. And while I know neither of us realized it at the time, we we’re about to make a decision that would change practically every aspect of both of our lives and also our relationship.

Between sips, Freddy casually brought up the idea of him moving in some of his stuff for a few days. His dad was going out of town and he said he’d rather be here, than stay at his dad’s alone. And It only made sense to bring his desk and computer over because he works from home and it’d be really convenient.

Naturally, I said yes. We’d been throwing around the idea of moving in together for a few weeks anyways and it seemed like a good idea to try it out, like test driving a new car before you buy it. Plus, it’d be an extended slumber party and who doesn’t love slumber parties?

A few days later, I found myself clearing out some drawer space and rearranging the furniture in my bedroom. Whether I admitted it out loud or not, the minute his desk was inside and organized, I knew that that was it. It fit amongst all of the other furniture too well and it just felt like his things belonged here. I knew that none of it was going anywhere.

A week or so passed and his dad came home, but he stayed. A few more days turned into a couple of weeks and before we knew it, we’d been living together for a full month. Eventually, we decided to make it official and My Room became Our Room. It was very exciting, a little bit scary and involved three trips to Ikea.

It’s an interesting experience trying to take two lives and put them under one roof. Naturally, for a little while it, was a bit of an adjustment period for both of us. However, taking into consideration that neither of us had ever shared a living space and financial responsibilities with a significant other, I’d say we handled the whole thing amazingly well. I’m still surprised at how great of a team we are and at how willing we both are to compromise.

It’s true when people say that it’s the little things that make up a relationship and a life together. Like grocery trips to Publix, or drinking wine while making dinner. Watching all of Louis C.K.’s stand up on Netflix, sharing socks and saving mason jars full of change together. Like laying in bed and listening to the rain or driving around the expensive parts of town and daydreaming about living in homes that big one day. It’s someone’s quirks and habits that you get used to and start to miss when they’re not around. Like how they say crazy things in their sleep or floss their teeth when they’re anxious.

These last few days, I’ve spent a long time reflecting on a lot different things and to be honest, I can’t believe I’m in the space that I am now. It’s crazy to me how one person can have such a strong impact on your life and the person that you are so quickly. In the relatively short amount of time that I’ve known Freddy, he’s unknowingly shown me that everything I thought I knew about relationships, partnerships and love was completely wrong. And I’m so glad that he did.

I’ve learned how important it is to have support and understanding. And how good it feels to come home at the end of the to day to someone who is actually happy to see you. I once thought that I was the kind of girl who loved space, mystery, aloofness, drama and challenge when it came to romance. But I’ve come to see that that was only a lie I eventually convinced myself to believe, in order to handle an unhealthy situation I naively spent too many years in. I also realized that the years I spent learning how to put on my best poker face, acting like I had no feelings was detrimental to someone so young.

I’ve learned that a relationship requires you to work together and that communicating is just as crucial as everyone tells you it is. I’ve learned that if someone wants to be in your life, they will go out of their way to be there. I’ve learned that someone who truly appreciates you and cares about you will only ever try to lift you up. They will never put you down or make feel badly about who you are. And they will never try to change you.

I see now that every relationship you’re in, whether it be romantic, familial or platonic should be helping you grow and evolve into the best possible version of yourself. A boyfriend, or a girlfriend or a partner should make you WANT to be the best version of yourself, because you believe they deserve that.

For a number of different reasons during these past few months, I’ve finally felt like I’m actually “growing up”. Whatever that even means. But I feel so lucky to be growing up with someone so special. And while I can’t predict the future or what it holds, I can only see beautiful things happening for us.  

A couple of years ago, I heard a line in a move that I can’t help but think about now, "We have each other — everything else is background noise”. 

Self Portraits.

Controlled Burn

In order to escape a stressful day and the pressures of “adulthood”, I went out to the forest to spend sometime with my boyfriend. Away from all of the cars, buildings and people of downtown, we turned off our cellphones and tried to pretend that the world outside of the trees didn’t exist. Unfortunately, we’d both had a morning full of grown up decision making and the pressures of earning a living weighing down on us. As soon as we got into the car I could feel that both of our stress levels were so high, they were almost tangible.

However, once the crowded interstate was replaced with windy, single-lane roads and lines of green zipped past rather than billboards, I could see the tension in our shoulders lowering as the energy become more peaceful.

For awhile now, I’ve felt as though I’m constantly treading water. While nothing is necessarily going badly, it also isn’t moving forward. Almost a year ago, I began to slowly disassemble my life, with the hope of rebuilding a new one.

I moved out of the suburbs and into downtown, redecorated, updated my wardrobe, quit my job of 6 years, dismissed all plans of the career I’d been set on and detached myself from some unhealthy relationships. And while at the time, I had no clear path or direction, I knew that what I’d been doing wasn’t working.

Well, I guess that isn’t necessarily true. It was working...technically. On the surface things we’re going smoothly and I wasn’t worried about much of anything, but I was bored. I was unhappy, I was complacent and I felt like I was settling.

I wanted more. More of what? I wasn’t sure. But I knew that it was time to make a drastic change.

And so, upon pulling into Hillsborough River State Park a few weeks ago, we immediately noticed that a controlled burn was taking place throughout a large chunk of the forest. The trees and ground were coated in black, tiny clouds of smoke billowed out of the brush...and quite honestly, it looked very depressing. Freddy jokingly threw out the idea of me jumping into the middle of it to do a photo shoot. “You can make a blog post out of it!” he said.

At first I laughed, saying “Yeah, this isn’t the right outfit for that….” But almost immediately after, I began playing around with the idea. I started wondering how I related to this scorched piece of land, and quickly realized that we had nearly everything in common.

Surprisingly enough, fire plays the role of one of nature’s most vital agents of change. A controlled burn diminishes excessive amounts of shrubbery, brush and trees, while making room for new growth to happen. And so, the longer I thought about it, the more I realized that what I’d done a year ago, was essentially a controlled burn of my personal little forest. I very carefully began clearing away the excess around me, in hopes of new life rising from the ashes.

And while the past year of crazy transitions has been amazing and full of newness, growth and knowledge, that doesn’t mean it was easy. In fact...it was insanely difficult. Building a new life and trying to become a shiny new person takes a long time. Just as it takes a long time for a forest to regrow back to all of it’s original and beautiful glory.

A year later and I’m just now beginning to see a new life for myself developing. It’s only within the past few weeks that I’ve started to feel as though a path is beginning to be cleared with the tiny steps I’m trying to make. Up until recently, I’d had a difficult time imagining what my future would look like, or even what I actually wanted it to look like. But somehow, I’m suddenly able to look forward with clarity. And while it is a little foggy, it is clarity none the less. The light at the tunnel isn’t visible yet, but I finally feel like it’s coming.

I think one of the most important things for myself (and everyone else who is currently living in this transitory state of childhood to adulthood) to remember is that everything takes time. Building a life for yourself is a very slow process. Just as forest doesn’t pop up overnight. We have to be patient and be willing to put in the time it takes to grow. We need to revel in the journey as slow as it may be and be proud of ourselves for making it this far.

We cannot get discouraged by the setbacks or bumps in the road. Because even though we may not be exactly where we want to be, or even close to it...at least we aren’t where we were last year.

Bigger and grander things are coming

________________________________________________________________

Photos by Harrison Ponce

(@harrison_ponce)

Run

 

"My heart swings back and forth between the need for routine and the urge to run”.

Many times throughout the past 22 years, I have found myself stuck in a monotonous routine. In high school, as a competitive dancer, during my brief stretch of college, throughout the years that I quietly battled depression and even a few separate times over the past 6 months.

Naturally, human beings crave routine. It’s allows us to free ourselves from the details of decision making. It makes it possible for us to run on autopilot while still completing the tasks set before us. There’s no need to worry about what’s coming next or to plan out your week. A routine provides structure, predictability and allows some to find a purpose in their day. And I believe a lot of people find comfort in that. Because it’s easy.

I’m sure many people know that tomorrow morning they will wake up, check their social media pages, get dressed, eat a quick breakfast, brush their teeth, rush out the door, sit in traffic, count down the seconds until work is over, sit in traffic again, come home, have dinner, put their kids to bed, watch bad tv, have boring sex with their spouse, fall asleep and wake up to do it all again. On repeat. Everyday. For the rest of their life.

However, the problem is that we often forget to re-work, re-evaluate and refresh our routines. We allow our lives to become stale and stagnant. Our creative drive lessens. We forget the purpose of the routine we began in the first place. Our minds start to collect dust and we lose the balance between work and play.

Eventually, a routine can begin to trap you. Many times, a person living in a routine may not even realize it. This is because a life lived in routine does not require you to engage in self-analysis. You are completely unaware of the fact that nothing is progressing. While time may be moving forward and the world may continue to turn, that doesn’t necessarily mean that YOUR life is moving forward. A life lived in routine is in a constant plateau.

I’m sure most people have seen, or at least know of the movie Groundhog Day, in which Bill Murray, must live the same day, in the same place and time, over and over again. At one point on the film, Murray’s character Phil, describes his situation to a man sitting at a bar. He asks “What would you do if you were stuck in one place, and every day was exactly the same, and nothing you did mattered?”. The man at bar answers by saying “That about sums it up for me.” The man at the bar is not stuck in a time warp, but he is stuck in a routine. He is trapped in his habits and his way of thinking, his worries, attitude and feelings.

I’ve recently found myself being pulled between the “adult” in me needing a routine for stability and the creative free spirit within me, needing the freedom to run.

While I’ve often dismissed routine as boring, there is a part of me that sees the benefit of creating good habits. For example, having a weekly workout routine, or a weekly reminder to put an extra $50 into your savings account can be helpful. Carving out an hour a day to sit and write down my thoughts is therapeutic and putting aside 30 minutes each night to clean makes me feel like things are in order.

However even though I can see the benefits, I find myself fearing a life lived on repeat. I’m terrified of waking up one day realizing that I’ve gotten myself stuck in the never ending misery of the 9-5ers and their lack of satisfaction. I crave the freedom of a flexible schedule and the adventure of spontaneity.

As obvious as it may seem, I think we can all take a lesson from Phil’s choices to make a change in Groundhog Day. He learns to make the repetitiveness of life benefit him. He takes the time to understand the patterns of his life and learns to replace harmful habits and routines with beneficial ones. He stops living a routine devoted to instant gratification and boosting his ego, to one focused on helping others.

Most importantly, he realizes that he is the creator of his own experience. He has all of the tools within himself to create the life he wants to live.

Repetition doesn’t allow you to experience or create at your fullest potential. And while it may be easy to slip into meaningless routine, it’s important to remember to give yourself room to run. It’s important to remember that it’s up to you to make the choice to get the most out of your life and to share those experiences with those you love.

Living life on autopilot is not living.

 

Photos by Harrison Ponce

(@harrison_ponce)

Elastic

 

“If love’s elastic, then were we born to test it’s reach?”

 

At the age of 18...and also at 17 and 19, 20 and 21...I thought that love was elastic. I thought loving anyone meant seeing how far you were willing to let them push you until you broke. I thought it was letting them test how far away from you they could pull until you came running after them. I thought, in the simplest way...that it was measured by how far you were willing to stretch just to be able to reach them.

For far too long, I didn’t understand that my assumption was only half correct. Now at 22, I can see that love IS in fact elastic. Just not in the way I once thought. Loving someone requires great care, consideration and responsibility. And while it does require you to stretch...it shouldn’t be painful.

You stretch to see how much support you’re capable of giving someone. You stretch to see how far you’re both willing to go to help the other succeed. To see how hard you’re willing to work...together. And to see the lengths you would gladly reach to, just to show them your appreciation.

There’s a documentary from the early 80’s about the amazing and eccentric, Eartha Kitt. In one part of the film, Eartha is asked if she’s “willing to compromise, within a relationship”. She answers the question as if she’s offended, saying  “To compromise? What is compromising? Compromising for WHAT? Compromising for what REASON?”

Her interviewer proceeds by asking “If a man came into your life, wouldn’t you want to compromise?” To which she responds to with an almost wicked laugh, calls him stupid and challenges him to think about that question again.

She goes on to explain that “A relationship is a relationship that has to be EARNED. Not to compromise for…” and passionately adds that “There’s nothing more beautiful than falling in love. But falling in love for the right reasons. Falling in love for the right purpose. Falling in love.” She begs the question “When you fall in love...what is there to compromise about?”

The way that this woman is so confident in challenging the notion that women are expected to compromise in order to gain and receive love, is inspiring to me. I think that human beings as a whole tend to get wrapped up in the idea of “getting” someone to fall in love with us. We stretch ourselves to the limit chasing after a person, or the idea of a person, all for a fleeting moment of feeling wanted and feeling needed.

We, as women and men alike, “compromise” by giving up important parts of ourselves, lowering our expectations and accepting less than what we deserve just so that we can “belong” to someone. The act of compromising is often defined as “accepting standards that are lower than desirable.” So Eartha is wise in saying that it ISN’T compromising when you’re in love with the right person, for the right reasons.
 

Love, whether it’s platonic, romantic or familial isn’t about getting...it’s about sharing. As Ms. Kitt so elegantly puts it, “I fall in love with myself and I want someone to share it with me. I want someone to share me, with me.”

Love does not hurt. Love is not painful. It’s the absence or loss of love that causes pain. What hurts us in any type of relationship is when the love we have does match up to our expectations or fulfill our desires. What hurts is spreading yourself thin and stretching to reach someone who continually pulls away.

However, love IS elastic. It stretches limitlessly through time and space. It withstands criticism and crisis. It grows and evolves between the people who are lucky enough to share it with each other. And it gives us a reason to wake up each morning.

The tricky part though, is finding someone who loves and appreciates you for you. Someone who doesn’t want to change you and thinks that you are more than enough, just the way you are. It’s finding the person that you don’t feel like you’re compromising for.

I’ve been told that you should fall in love with someone who doesn’t make you feel like love is hard. And while I understood what was meant by that, I couldn’t process it fully for myself until recently.

Love is easy when it’s right.

 

 

Photos by Freddy Marschall
(@freddymarschall)

 

 

Behind Scenes Video by Eddie Velez-Medero

(@___eddie_)



Fire

Despite what is probably popular belief, I am a people pleaser. And while the vulnerability of NEEDING something or someone scares the shit out of me, there isn’t anything I love more than BEING needed. I like to make the people that I'm close to comfortable and happy...almost to a fault. I’ve always been overwhelmed by feeling responsible for solving the problems of others. I feel like it’s my job to come up with a solution to whatever issues in their life may arise and I’m compelled to take their stress and put it onto myself.

Don’t feel like filling out the application for your college scholarships?

No worries! I’ll write them!

It’s 1am and you’re at a party you don’t feel comfortable at?
Don’t fret! I will totally drive an hour and a half across town to come pick you up!

Wanna do something, but don’t want to waste your gas?

Totally fine! I will pick you up and drive you to my house so you don’t have to!

 

Broke?

Don’t stress! I’ve got your lunch and dinner and drinks and snacks and LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE YOU WANT. I WOULD LITERALLY PAY YOUR RENT IF I COULD AFFORD IT.

 

Your mom’s, sister’s, neighbor’s, girlfriend’s, dog’s, babysitter’s, boyfriend needs a ride?
ABSOLUTELY NO PROBLEM I AM ON MY WAY RIGHT NOW!!! DON’T EVEN WORRY FOR ONE SECOND BECAUSE I’M TOTTTTALLLLYYYY GOING TO TAKE CARE OF IT!!!!

Over the past few weeks I’ve come to see that I’d made a habit out of doing anything within my power to make the lives of the people around me more easy. And while there’s only a limited amount of people that I care about enough to bend over backwards for...I had been willing to literally snap myself in half, just to promise the people I loved a little bit of relief.
 

Thankfully, a majority of the people in my life have respected me enough not to take advantage of that. However, I’ve inevitably had a couple who completely walked all over me (And by walked, I mean trampled).

It’s a terrible feeling when you wake up and realize that you wouldn’t dare ask someone to do for you, any of the things you’d done for them. You wouldn’t even consider it. For two reasons...1. You’d feel guilty asking so much from anyone...and 2. You know that they’d want to say no…(and if on the off chance they said yes...they’d hold it over your head for forever).
 
I’m sure a lot of (if not most) people have had someone or a few someone's in their life like this before. Whether it’s a friend, a family member or a girlfriend...we’ve all gone out of our way for someone, caused ourselves a lot of stress and gotten no appreciation in return.
 

I feel like everyone finally gets to a point in their life where they stop and ask themselves why it’s important to please everyone. Hopefully we’ll all eventually realize...it isn’t. The happiness and success of others is not your responsibility. No matter how much you love them, you can’t do everything for everyone. You can’t take all of the weight off their shoulders, just to hold it on yours. Sometimes it’s okay to let people fail so that they learn the lesson on their own.  And it’s okay to be completely crushed when you don’t receive an ounce of gratitude for your help.

What’s NOT okay is smiling and nodding yes to the millionth favor your best friend asks of you, when they haven’t even asked how you’re doing in months. It’s not okay when people are mad at you for not being able to solve their problems. And it’s also not okay for people to only call you when they need something, because “they KNOW you won’t say no.”
 

I honestly didn’t even realize how many ridiculous things I’d happily agreed to do for people over the years that we’re completely insane. And I also didn’t realize how crazy it was that they expected these things of me.  

As a woman who prides herself on “being independent” and “being able to stand up for herself”, I was genuinely upset that I allowed myself to be such a goddamn pushover in so many different situations. And as someone who haaaaates being told what to do more than anything in the world...I was shocked at how willingly I obliged to someone else’s wishes.

And so...I’ve recently vowed to remember that I am not responsible for other people. I have vowed to not say yes to every single favor asked of me. I have vowed to not risk my own happiness or well being, for that of those whom I love. And lastly, I have vowed to remember that it is okay for ME to ask for favors from those who ask for favors from me. I have to remember that asking for help is not a sign of weakness...it is a sign of trust.
 

And while it’s important to be kind, considerate and generous...it’s also important to respect yourself. By all means...please go to the edge of the Earth for those you truly care for, that’s what loving people is all about...just make sure they’re willing go just as far as you.

I read a quote a few weeks back that I can’t seem to get out of my head…"don’t set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.”



 



Photos by Harrison Ponce

(@Harrison_Ponce)

Inventory

 

For the first time in my life, I actually woke up on January 1st feeling like it was a new year. And while I can’t yet put my finger on it, I am certain that SOMETHING is different. Or maybe my surroundings are the same, it’s just me who has changed.  

Though I’ve never been one for legitimate New Year resolutions (last year I resolved to eat more corn dogs. Seriously. Ask anyone), I decided to make one this year; Stop looking backwards, only look forwards.

 

I think human beings as a whole waste so much time and energy replaying scenes from the past like a movie in our heads. We go back and over analyze every detail of what went wrong. Of the mistakes we made. The missed opportunities. The things we wished we'd done, or said, or avoided. But it’s useless. All it does is fill you with regret and make you nostalgic for a time that isn’t nearly as good as you remember it being.
 

And so, I am publicly vowing to put the past where it belongs....in the past. This is my fresh start. My new life. The younger, more reckless, naïve and mistake ridden versions of myself no longer hold any weight over the woman I am now.
 

These past few months leading up to 2015 have been interesting, to say the least. Aside from the fact that they have been filled with new faces, routines, projects and loads of planning...I have also been virtually unemployed (Luckily I will be starting my new, full time job, this Thursday. HALLELUJAH. $$) But, other than a few days out of each month working at Raymond James...I’ve basically had an unlimited amount of free time. Which sounds amazing (and it was), but it’s also incredibly stressful.

 

While the sudden lack of cash flow was an obvious added stressor, there was a more pressing issue at hand...trying not to feel like a complete waste of a person. Having been a girl who was used to working practically everyday for the past 6+ years, the lack of responsibility terrified me. Even before I started working full time, there we’re other things taking up my days, dance classes, rehearsals, school, homework, etc. But...here I was, about to turn 22...with an impromptu “Vacation From Life”. WHAT WAS MY PURPOSE?! WHAT WAS I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH MYSELF ALL DAY, EVERYDAY?!

 

Eventually, after the bit of self-loathing wore off, I started to look at this new found freedom as a blessing, rather than a curse. I chose to use this time to “take inventory of my life”. Asking myself questions like; Am I where I want to be in life right now? What is it exactly that I am doing? Where do I want to go? Who do I want to be? What makes me happy? What’s my end goal here?

 

It’s been such a luxury to regroup, reassess and redirect myself down a path that will hopefully lead me to where I want to go.
 

I’ve learned over the past few weeks that if you’re ever questioning what it is that you’re passionate about, what it is that you truly love to do...think about where it is that you’re putting your energy, outside of your daily responsibilities. What it is that you find yourself talking about all of the time? What is it that you make time for during your week? What is it that you’re reading about or researching online? What would you fill a day with if you had one free? What type of projects are you planning and fantasizing about before you go to sleep each night? These things, these are the things you love.

 

So, throughout this recent abundance of time off, I’ve come to clearly see what it is that I’ve known all along...I love story telling. Whether it be through my writing, images, interviews and more recently, videos...I just want to share stories.

 

And so, with this in mind, I launched a new project with my best friend Harrison Ponce, on January 1st. It’s inspired by the local artists around the Tampa Bay area and focuses on telling stories through writing, photography and videography. If you’re interested, check out localtwentytwo.com and follow us on Instagram: @localtwentytwo.

 

Over the past few days, I can’t help but keep replaying a scene from the trailer for the new season of Girls in my head. Zosia Mamet’s character says “I just don’t understand why nobody tells you how bad it’s going to be in the real world…” to which Allison Williams’ character replies, “Yeah they do...it’s pretty much all they tell you”. I just feel like this interaction entirely sums up being in your twenties, in two short sentences.

 

At this time in my life, I currently feel like I am at the edge of a cliff, about to jump. However, I have absolutely no idea what’s waiting below. It could be soft, pillowy clouds...or it could be dagger-sharp rocks. Plus, there’s also the off chance that nothing is waiting at all. It could just be an infinite feeling hole that ends with dirt and darkness. But either way, I have to jump. To quote Lena Dunham's new book (something you should expect a lot of for awhile), “The worst that will happen is that it will stay the same.”

 

Here’s to 2015. Here’s to a clean slate and starting over. Here’s to learning and making mistakes. To change and to growth. I can already feel that this year is somehow full of magic. I can feel all of the pieces falling into place and I am so anxious to see the possibilities that the coming months will bring. I can’t even imagine what my life will look like in a year and that genuinely excites me.

And so, to quote Lena one last time, I will end on this note “She is ambling along. She is looking for it.”

 

Photos by Harrison Ponce

(@Harrison_ponce)