A Taste of My Own Medicine

For whatever reason, I have always found myself being a person that people come to for advice. But considering I don’t have my shit any more together than a majority of them, I’m not entirely sure why they listen to me. I also tend to spend a lot of time giving unsolicited advice on this blog. However, I’d like to consider the ideas I post here more as “Things You May Want to Try”, rather than advice. Because who I am to be telling people on the internet what they should and shouldn’t be doing? Just because something worked for me, doesn’t mean it’ll work for everyone else. Or anyone at all for that matter.

Regardless of any of this, tonight I realized that I need to start taking my own advice. I’ve spent the past few weeks writing up all of these “life lessons” I’ve been learning and putting them out into the world, in hopes that someone might find comfort in them. However, I’m not sure I’ve been doing the best job at implementing them into my own life.

Growing up is so much more difficult and rewarding than I could have ever imagined. It’s one of those things that no one seems to let you in on ahead of time. But I assume that this is because it’s something everyone has to figure on their own, in their own time. And so, at 3:00am, after a somewhat eye opening few hours, I began making a mental list of all of the things I needed to work on and all of my own advice I should have started taking a long time ago.

I’ve spent the last couple of months trying to figure out who the adult I’ve been working on becoming is going to be. And while I think I’ve finally begun to get a pretty good idea, I can feel a lot of the person I used to be withering away. Which is obviously, bitter sweet.

About 4 or 5 years ago, I came up with a very specific idea for the type of woman I hoped to one day be. Weirdly enough, I’ve some how started to become her. And even though I always had a really difficult time imagining I’d make it to this point in my life, now that I’m here, I realize that it wouldn’t have made sense for me to end up anywhere else.

To be honest, it’s all really overwhelming. It’s terrifying actually.  And maybe I’ve recently been doing a really good job at holding it all together and  remaining optimistic and inspired by the possibilities of the future. But tonight, for a few minutes...I felt 18 again. I felt all of the progress I’ve made as a person disappear into thin air. Leaving me alone crying in my bedroom.

Eventually, I realized that I was being ridiculous and that I couldn’t let one bad night trick my mind into thinking this way. I’m not the same sad, insecure girl that I used to be. But sometimes it’s really hard to remember that you’ve grown up and that you’ve changed. Being a new version of yourself is incredibly disorienting. And lately I’ve been legitimately surprising myself with my actions. Like...WHO THE HELL IS THIS LADY? WHERE DID SHE COME FROM???? WHEN DID THIS SWITCH HAPPEN?!!! WHY DIDN’T ANYONE SEND ME A GODDAMN MEMO??

My biggest question...is this going to keep happening??? Am I going to continue growing and changing and surprising myself forever? Is that yet ANOTHER secret that no one cares to let you in on? That you’re going to spend the rest of your life evolving into newer and newer versions of yourself forever until you die??? I mean...as unsettling and exhausting as that sounds...I guess it’d be a pretty sweet deal. As long as you manage to keep evolving into BETTER versions of yourself and not half assed ones (I bet that is the tricky part).

Also, side note. If you HAVE managed to answer the aforementioned question…please do not let me in on the secret. I have a feeling it’s something I’m supposed to figure out for myself and I’d hate for you to spoil the ending. So thanks in advance for not spilling the beans.

Anyways...here is a list of all of the “advice” I’ve given on this blog that I need to start taking myself…

Sometimes moving up means moving on.
I think that line about sums it up. Even though I know it’s all very necessary, It’s still incredibly difficult and most of the time painful, for me to let go and move on. Sometimes you have to let go of people, memories, dreams, plans and old versions of yourself in order to move on to the next phase of your life. This is honestly one the hardest things for me to do right now. It’s almost unbearable realizing that I have to start making real strides away from some things that simply no longer benefit me. No matter how much I feel like clinging on to them for dear life, I can’t let myself be anchored to past and the person I used to be. I have to keeping moving forward. Or I will drown.

Home is wherever you make it.
Simply put, home is where the heart is. Home is not a place, it is a feeling. Home is your support system and all of your best memories. It’s your daily routine, your favorite song and your favorite meal. Home is anywhere and everywhere. You just have to choose to open yourself up to feeling it. And while I know all of this is true, I still sometimes feel homesick for a place that doesn’t exist. What I’ve been trying to teach myself is that “you can’t make homes out of human beings”.

There is no key to happiness.

While I know this is true...I can’t help but sometimes chase after the unattainable. I’ve been working so hard and making so many changes recently, that I often find myself surprised that I haven’t unlocked that secret, magic door to a lifetime of uninterrupted happiness. I have to make a conscious effort each day to remember that life is just one giant experience full of highs and lows. I’m not perfect, I never will be and that is 100% okay. Actually it’s more than okay. It’s awesome. Because everything would be incredibly boring in a perfect world, full of perfect people because nothing interesting would EVER happen. And I know it’s super overplayed and little on the cheesy side, but Passenger knows what they’re talking about in the song Let Her Go. Just sayin.

There is a science to solitude.
I will never be able to stress enough how important it is for everyone to be comfortable spending time alone with themselves. I have to make sure I don’t get so busy that I don’t have enough time to spend with my own thoughts. If I want to stay sane, I need plenty of time just for myself.

There is no good in acting like you don’t care.
Everyone is so obsessed with acting nonchalant these days that it’s a little unsettling. If we’re just a giant generation full of people who don’t give a shit, then nothing is ever going to get done. Unfortunately I often find myself getting upset and frustrated with a situation or person, throwing my hands up in the air and saying, “FUCK IT. I DON’T CARE ANYMORE”. But we all know that’s not true and I’m gonna have to deal with it later anyways, so I might as well just get it over with now. I have to remember that it is okay and NORMAL to feel things. I can’t just bottle things up and hide them away. They’re not going to go anywhere. People having feelings...and we care about stuff. WHO FUCKING KNEW???
 

Look at how far you have come.
This is a really important thing for me right now. I can see how far I have to go to get where I want to be…and it’s starting to freak me out. I’VE ONLY GOT SO MUCH TIME TO LIVE! HOW CAN I POSSIBLY GET TO MY ULTIMATE END GOAL IN SUCH A SHORT AMOUNT OF TIME?!
Despite this anxiety, I have to remain positive. I have to make sure to keeping looking back and admiring how far I’ve come rather than looking ahead nervously at how far I have to go. I’ve got a lot of work to get done and I don’t have the time to feel down on myself for not being further along.

Everything ends

THIS. This is actually the hardest lesson for me to learn right now. Nothing lasts forever and I can't expect it to. No matter how badly I want to hold on to some things, I have to accept the fact that just because something ends, it doesn't mean my life is ending. The things and people that are meant to last, will. And you can't force anything or anyone to stick around if they don't want to...even if letting them walk away is LITERALLY going to kill you. "What felt like a loss was actually a victory".

You are flawless.

In the words of Queen Bey herself, you wake up flawless. Despite my new found confidence...I still wake up some mornings feeling like shit. Some days you just hate all of your clothes and your hair and your face and all your weird little scars and birthmarks. And those days literally suck. Luckily, these days are becoming far and few between now...but that doesn’t mean that they don’t happen. And when they do, I have to try and remember all of my non physical traits that make me beautiful.

It’s never too late to be what you might have been.
No dream is too big or unattainable. No matter what point you’re at in life, you can always find a way to make shit happen. As long as you want it badly enough. And at a point in my life where I’m trying SO hard to reach so many different goals, I have to remind myself that I can have anything that I’m willing to work for. Even if I fall flat on my face...there’s still time to start over and try again.
 

Experiences are more valuable than objects.
Luckily this isn’t something that I’ve had that hard of a time implementing into my life. However, I have to make sure that the experiences I’m investing my time and energy into are worthwhile.

Life begins outside of your comfort zone.

This is the most recent piece of advice I've put up. And even though I’m so proud of myself for all of the things I’ve finally been brave enough to do...I could still be doing a lot more. When I put up my last post a couple of days ago, I hoped that it would give me the final push I needed to go after a couple of things that completely terrify me. But it didn't. And so now...I’m making a promise to myself that I will go for it. And basically I HAVE to do it now...cause I put it on the internet, right? Right.

I know that maybe this whole post sounds like a little of a downer...but I assure you that it isn’t. The first step towards making any kind of progress is realizing what it is that you need or want to be doing differently. And so, here I am publicly acknowledging some of my biggest issues during this period of my life. I’ve got a good feeling about my last couple months of being 21 and an even better feeling about 22. So here’s to hoping that I walk into this next chapter of my life with at least a few of these things tackled.

If you take any advice from me at all, I hope you'll take my advice to listen to this song.
Because it's awesome!
Specifically 2:25-3:00.
The other night I was in the car with my best friend, Shantel and we we're trying to come up with a way to describe what this part of the song sounds like...

And I realized that it sounds like being thankful.
It's that moment in the movie when the main character finally comes out on the other side and makes it to the light at the end of the tunnel.
You could sum up this time in my life with these 35 seconds of sound.