Sweet November

HAPPY FUCKING NOVEMBER. It is my birthday month, people. And the countdown to 22 has officially commenced.

As I normally do around this time of year, I have begun to panic (but only a little bit). It happens every time. Don’t get me wrong...I love my birthday (No really...I REALLY love my birthday). But, I tend to start analyzing every single aspect of well...EVERYTHING, just before I turn another year older. And I feel like a lot of people do this. Or, I at least HOPE a lot of other people do this.

It’s around this time that I fully take in everything that’s happened to me over the past 12 months and all of the year’s changes completely set in. And my god, was this a year. Basically every single constant or sense of “security” that I’d managed to keep for a good portion of my life is officially gone. I’ve been kind of floating in limbo for a bit and I’m not entirely sure where it is that I’m going to land. But, I guess that is the best part. For the past 4-6 years, everything has been pretty predictable. And right now, things are a bit flipped upside down. And secretly, I love it.

My 21st birthday really feels like it was yesterday. However, I know that’s impossible, considering that I can’t even imagine still being the girl that I was then. I wouldn’t go back if you paid me. If I’m being COMPLETELY honest...my 21st birthday blew. I mean, technically it was good...I had like 4 solid days of well planned birthday activities with some really wonderful people. And yet, I somehow ended up alone in my bed, balling my eyes out at the end of the night. I guess what it came down to was the fact that I wasn’t happy. At 21, I didn’t feel like too much had progressed from when I turned 20 the year before.

There were a few parts of my life around the time of my birthday that I knew needed to change, but I just wasn’t ready to let go of them yet. And It took me a good 5 months to finally begin to get see the light at the end of the tunnel and genuinely make an effort at starting over as a new person. I tell people that 21 has been the “best year of my life” but I don’t think that’s necessarily true. In reality, I don’t feel like this year even really started until about 6 months ago. Actually, I don’t really feel like my life started AT ALL until about 6 months ago.

And so...as 22 creeps closer and closer with every passing second...I naturally, am panicking. But not in the way I  typically would. I’m panicking in an excited kind of way (Can you even panic excitedly??? I’m going to say that you can).

I’m panicking in the “HOLY SHIT. THIS IS YOUR LIFE.” kind of way. Like...IT’S HERE EVERYONE. No more daydreaming about the future...because it is here.

The other night my best friend, Shantel was over and she brought up a really interesting question, “What would the 8 year old version of yourself think of  ‘grown up’ you now?” Would they be proud? Embarrassed? Scared? Weirdly, this isn’t something that I had ever contemplated. At first I thought “Oh god. I don’t know if I even want to think about that. Do I really want to know what 8 year old me would think? Is that just going to make me feel sad and old?”

But, as I started to analyze my current situation, I realized 8 year old me would say “FUCK YEAH MAN.” I mean...8 year old me probably wouldn’t have said “fuck”. But whatever the 8 year old translation of “fuck yeah” is.

Granted, there are obviously a few things in my life that I would tweak if I could...but ultimately, I have to admit that this might be the happiest I have ever been. EVER. And I think 8 year old me would be able see that. I think she’d be able to see how hard I’m working on becoming the person I hope to one day be. And I also think that she would be proud of all of the progress I’ve been making.

Lately I can’t help but feel like the universe has handed me a blank slate. A fresh start. Which kind of terrified me for awhile. But now It’s exhilarating. Have you ever been given a GENUINE fresh start? One where you really let go of your past life and finally have hope of beginning a new one? Well, I never did, until now.

For a very long time, there were a handful of things that I couldn’t picture my life without. And now, it seems strange that there was ever a life with them to begin with. Have you ever had that moment? The one where you look back and can clearly see that all of the “life defining” moments of your past no longer seem to hold any weight? You feel a little bit like everything you thought to be true was actually just an illusion and you can’t help but laugh, because you’re just like THANK GOD?? Well, that’s been happening to me a lot and it’s really an amazing feeling.

The only down side to this fresh start is the fact that I’ve had to be a little...or a lot, vulnerable in a few different situations. Which is NOT something that I’m necessarily comfortable with. I’m not good at asking for help, I’m not good at opening myself up to new people and I’m also not good at failing. I tend to put up a pretttttty good front in order to protect myself from all of the big, bad, dangers of the world and I’ve been trying to tear that down lately. Because...there’s no way I’ll be able to get ANYWHERE other than where I am right now if I don’t.

I think a common misconception amongst basically all human beings is that being vulnerable is the opposite of being strong. When in actuality, it takes A TON of strength to be vulnerable. Because basically you’re just like “HEY. THIS IS ME. I’M AFRAID OF THIS. BUT I’M DOING IT ANYWAY BECAUSE I REALLY WANT IT. AND I KNOW THAT THERE’S A LARGE CHANCE THAT THIS IS GOING TO BLOW UP IN MY FACE BUT THAT’S COOL. BECAUSE I’M GONNA GIVE IT MY BEST SHOT AND HOPE THAT IT’S ENOUGH!”

In some interview somewhere, Tavi Gevinson (who is completely amazing, btw) said “The thing that bonds you to a new friend isn’t that you went to a fun party; it’s ‘cause you had a really weird, sad conversation”. And I can’t help but totally agree with her. Whether it’s a person that you’re trying to get closer to, a job that you’re hoping to get, or a new style of art that you’d like to share with the world...they all require you to be vulnerable. Just showing up isn’t going to get you anything. You have to be willing to admit that you want it. And you also have to be willing to show all of your cards in order to prove you deserve it.

With all of this being said, I think I’m finally ready to turn 22. For a while I’ve been telling people that I wasn’t turning 22. I was simply going to celebrate the 1st anniversary of my 21st birthday. However, it’s time to put 21 in past and accept all the 22 has to offer. I have a really good feeling about it. *Insert Taylor Swift song here*

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Photos by Harrison Ponce
(@Harrison_ponce)
Video by Eddie Velez-Medero
(@___eddie_)