The Liberty of Being Lost

So often the word “lost” has a negative connotation on it. And rightly so, because never once have I been driving around trying to get somewhere, in an area of town that I don’t know and thought “WOW. This is awesome. I LOVE BEING LOST!” And chances are, you haven’t either.

However, we also put a put a negative spin on “being lost” in reference to our own lives. My generation and myself included are taught to be absolutely terrified of being lost. We have been brainwashed into thinking that there is just ONE outline for everyone to follow and it will ensure that you will NEVER be lost. You will be successful and happy with bucket loads of babies and hot spouses and more money than you know what to do with!

I’m sure all of you are familiar with this delusional timeline that's been created over the years. Graduate high school. Go to college. Pick a major and study that for 4+ years. Never worry about that fact that you are 18, have absolutely NO idea who you are, what you’re actually talented at, or what is going to make you happy when you’re 45. NONE OF THINGS MATTER BECAUSE YOU JUST GRADUATED HIGH SCHOOL AND NOW YOU HAVE TO DECIDE WHAT YOU WANT TO WITH THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.

 The next step is to get through college. Where essentially, you’ll live a really unrealistic lifestyle. You’ll party like an insane person and stay up all night memorizing facts for a test. If you happen to make it through this mess, you will then GRADUATE FROM COLLEGE. Sure, you’ve got $80,000 worth of debt to pay back and absolutely no sense of how to function in the real world, but you’ve got a DEGREE. You’ve got a goddamn degree, so you’re totally going to get a job that pays you like a zillion dollars a year in a few months. And you’ll pay off your debts and life will be AWESOME! Never mind the fact that there are about a billion other kids with the exact same degree and qualifications as you, out searching for the same job. And also don’t think about the fact that you have a degree in education, but you’ve come to realize that you have no interest in children or teaching them. Oh well, don’t worry about it. Because you have a degree now and you’re not lost. BECAUSE YOU WENT TO COLLEGE.

But now it’s really crunch time right? Cause you’re getting up there in age and it’s time for you to settle down and get married. That’s the next thing to check off of the list. Make sure you’re really putting yourself out there though, because you have to find someone to join you in this life ASAP! Soon you’re going to have to raise a kid and make sure they FOLLOW THE SAME STEPS AS YOU! Because this is the only way to succeed because GOD FORBID THAT THEY EVER FEEL LOST OR UNCERTAIN.

Now...I apologize if you are someone who has wanted to be a veterinarian or whatever since you we’re inside of your mother’s uterus and happen to be in college because this is a step you have to take to get where you need to go. Props to you for following your dreams. However, to those of you that are just there spending your parent’s hard earned money on jager bombs and sweet neon frat tanks, I ask you...what exactly are you doing?  Is this really the place for you? Or...are you just there because it’s the next step? Because you’re too afraid of what lies outside of those university walls. Are you even interested in what you’re majoring in? Or does it just sound good because one day it will make you a lot of money and it will make your family happy? Are you just there because without it...you’d be lost?

When I was 18 I packed up, moved across the bridge and started College at USF’s St. Pete campus. There were a few months where I was under the impression that THIS WAS THE PLACE FOR ME AND ALL OF THE KEYS TO SUCCESS WERE GOING TO BE REVEALED TO ME AS SOON AS I HAD A $80,000 PIECE OF PAPER IN MY HAND. But...eventually I realized that wasn’t the case. I had absolutely no idea why I was there. It held no meaning to me. I loved books and writing and gaining knowledge...but not like this. While at the time I was majoring in business (I HAVE NO FUCKING CLUE AS TO WHY)...I was just there going through the motions. And I couldn’t figure out why on earth it was important for me to have to sit in a room for hours each day while someone wrote a bunch of facts on the board for me to later repeat for a grade. I wasn’t learning. I was being taught to follow instructions and take orders. I was being taught how to memorize formulas and follow a strict outline. But I wasn’t LEARNING anything.

In fact, I felt like I was suffocating. It was like there we’re all of these people who “knew better than me” about MY future and what I needed to do. But who are these people and why do they think they know anything about what I need, want or am going to be doing with my life? Many people find college as something that propels them forward, but I found that it only held me back.

 Eventually I moved back to Tampa and began classes at HCC. Which was also a huge mistake. HCC is a nightmare. Never go there if you respect yourself or value your sanity. It’s like high school...except you have to pay to be there and you learn less.

 After failing to find any meaning in my classes, I dropped out of school. And at first I was embarrassed. I didn’t like the looks people gave me when they asked what I was majoring in and I replied with “Oh, I’m not in college”. However, I got over that pretty quickly. Because anyone who was going to look down at me and think any less of me because of that, is a judgmental asshole.

For the past few years I’ve kind of been jumping from idea to idea and trying out basically everything I can get my hands on. I thought about doing something involving dance, possibly owning a studio. I thought about fashion merchandising, fashion design and styling. I played out scenarios where I was a photographer or a novelist. I tried starting a clothing line and quickly realized it wasn’t for me. I looked into taking classes for graphic design and music production. I’m imagined editing magazines and traveling the world. I’ve thought about packing up my whole life and moving to NYC about a billion times.

I’ve thought about a lot of different options. And I’ve tried out a lot of different things. I needed to see what made me feel good. What I was good at. And what could keep me happy long term. I couldn’t just pick something off of a list and say “AH YES. This is what I want to be when I grow up!” I needed time to experience it first hand. And I needed to feel like I had the freedom to change my mind.

However, I never would have had the chance to try out any of these if I had been in a typical four year degree course. College doesn’t allow for much wiggle room...because you can’t get “lost”. You have to pick a track and stick to it.

 

In some ways...I agree. Eventually, I am going to need to settle down and pick something. And I think I’ve finally begun to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I see where I’m headed, I know what to settle down with and I couldn’t be more excited and relieved. However, had I stayed in school and stuck it out I’d be graduating in a few months and I’d be SO SCREWED. I’d have a degree in something I could give a shit about and absolutely NO idea what I was good at or what I actually wanted to do. I’d probably end up in some stupid 9-5 office job with a 401k and develop a drinking problem due to the fact that I was completely miserable.

 

These past few years of being “lost” have been so incredibly important in helping me figure out who it is that I want to be and the kind of life I want to live. I never feel confined to one path and have been able to try on a few different hats to see what I genuinely love to do. I’ve been able to grow as a person and figure out what I’m truly passionate about all on my own. And maybe one day, I’ll go back to school again. But if that day comes, it will be with purpose and with meaning. It will be because it is absolutely essential to advancing my career. It won’t be because I’m too afraid of not having that safety net.

 

It really can be liberating to be lost and I suggest that everyone try it sometime. Because if you never get lost how can you ever expect to find yourself?

 

BEHIND THE SCENES

 

Photos by Harrison Ponce

(@Harrison_ponce)

Video by Eddie Velez-Medero