Controlled Burn

In order to escape a stressful day and the pressures of “adulthood”, I went out to the forest to spend sometime with my boyfriend. Away from all of the cars, buildings and people of downtown, we turned off our cellphones and tried to pretend that the world outside of the trees didn’t exist. Unfortunately, we’d both had a morning full of grown up decision making and the pressures of earning a living weighing down on us. As soon as we got into the car I could feel that both of our stress levels were so high, they were almost tangible.

However, once the crowded interstate was replaced with windy, single-lane roads and lines of green zipped past rather than billboards, I could see the tension in our shoulders lowering as the energy become more peaceful.

For awhile now, I’ve felt as though I’m constantly treading water. While nothing is necessarily going badly, it also isn’t moving forward. Almost a year ago, I began to slowly disassemble my life, with the hope of rebuilding a new one.

I moved out of the suburbs and into downtown, redecorated, updated my wardrobe, quit my job of 6 years, dismissed all plans of the career I’d been set on and detached myself from some unhealthy relationships. And while at the time, I had no clear path or direction, I knew that what I’d been doing wasn’t working.

Well, I guess that isn’t necessarily true. It was working...technically. On the surface things we’re going smoothly and I wasn’t worried about much of anything, but I was bored. I was unhappy, I was complacent and I felt like I was settling.

I wanted more. More of what? I wasn’t sure. But I knew that it was time to make a drastic change.

And so, upon pulling into Hillsborough River State Park a few weeks ago, we immediately noticed that a controlled burn was taking place throughout a large chunk of the forest. The trees and ground were coated in black, tiny clouds of smoke billowed out of the brush...and quite honestly, it looked very depressing. Freddy jokingly threw out the idea of me jumping into the middle of it to do a photo shoot. “You can make a blog post out of it!” he said.

At first I laughed, saying “Yeah, this isn’t the right outfit for that….” But almost immediately after, I began playing around with the idea. I started wondering how I related to this scorched piece of land, and quickly realized that we had nearly everything in common.

Surprisingly enough, fire plays the role of one of nature’s most vital agents of change. A controlled burn diminishes excessive amounts of shrubbery, brush and trees, while making room for new growth to happen. And so, the longer I thought about it, the more I realized that what I’d done a year ago, was essentially a controlled burn of my personal little forest. I very carefully began clearing away the excess around me, in hopes of new life rising from the ashes.

And while the past year of crazy transitions has been amazing and full of newness, growth and knowledge, that doesn’t mean it was easy. In fact...it was insanely difficult. Building a new life and trying to become a shiny new person takes a long time. Just as it takes a long time for a forest to regrow back to all of it’s original and beautiful glory.

A year later and I’m just now beginning to see a new life for myself developing. It’s only within the past few weeks that I’ve started to feel as though a path is beginning to be cleared with the tiny steps I’m trying to make. Up until recently, I’d had a difficult time imagining what my future would look like, or even what I actually wanted it to look like. But somehow, I’m suddenly able to look forward with clarity. And while it is a little foggy, it is clarity none the less. The light at the tunnel isn’t visible yet, but I finally feel like it’s coming.

I think one of the most important things for myself (and everyone else who is currently living in this transitory state of childhood to adulthood) to remember is that everything takes time. Building a life for yourself is a very slow process. Just as forest doesn’t pop up overnight. We have to be patient and be willing to put in the time it takes to grow. We need to revel in the journey as slow as it may be and be proud of ourselves for making it this far.

We cannot get discouraged by the setbacks or bumps in the road. Because even though we may not be exactly where we want to be, or even close to it...at least we aren’t where we were last year.

Bigger and grander things are coming

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Photos by Harrison Ponce

(@harrison_ponce)