Inventory

 

For the first time in my life, I actually woke up on January 1st feeling like it was a new year. And while I can’t yet put my finger on it, I am certain that SOMETHING is different. Or maybe my surroundings are the same, it’s just me who has changed.  

Though I’ve never been one for legitimate New Year resolutions (last year I resolved to eat more corn dogs. Seriously. Ask anyone), I decided to make one this year; Stop looking backwards, only look forwards.

 

I think human beings as a whole waste so much time and energy replaying scenes from the past like a movie in our heads. We go back and over analyze every detail of what went wrong. Of the mistakes we made. The missed opportunities. The things we wished we'd done, or said, or avoided. But it’s useless. All it does is fill you with regret and make you nostalgic for a time that isn’t nearly as good as you remember it being.
 

And so, I am publicly vowing to put the past where it belongs....in the past. This is my fresh start. My new life. The younger, more reckless, naïve and mistake ridden versions of myself no longer hold any weight over the woman I am now.
 

These past few months leading up to 2015 have been interesting, to say the least. Aside from the fact that they have been filled with new faces, routines, projects and loads of planning...I have also been virtually unemployed (Luckily I will be starting my new, full time job, this Thursday. HALLELUJAH. $$) But, other than a few days out of each month working at Raymond James...I’ve basically had an unlimited amount of free time. Which sounds amazing (and it was), but it’s also incredibly stressful.

 

While the sudden lack of cash flow was an obvious added stressor, there was a more pressing issue at hand...trying not to feel like a complete waste of a person. Having been a girl who was used to working practically everyday for the past 6+ years, the lack of responsibility terrified me. Even before I started working full time, there we’re other things taking up my days, dance classes, rehearsals, school, homework, etc. But...here I was, about to turn 22...with an impromptu “Vacation From Life”. WHAT WAS MY PURPOSE?! WHAT WAS I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH MYSELF ALL DAY, EVERYDAY?!

 

Eventually, after the bit of self-loathing wore off, I started to look at this new found freedom as a blessing, rather than a curse. I chose to use this time to “take inventory of my life”. Asking myself questions like; Am I where I want to be in life right now? What is it exactly that I am doing? Where do I want to go? Who do I want to be? What makes me happy? What’s my end goal here?

 

It’s been such a luxury to regroup, reassess and redirect myself down a path that will hopefully lead me to where I want to go.
 

I’ve learned over the past few weeks that if you’re ever questioning what it is that you’re passionate about, what it is that you truly love to do...think about where it is that you’re putting your energy, outside of your daily responsibilities. What it is that you find yourself talking about all of the time? What is it that you make time for during your week? What is it that you’re reading about or researching online? What would you fill a day with if you had one free? What type of projects are you planning and fantasizing about before you go to sleep each night? These things, these are the things you love.

 

So, throughout this recent abundance of time off, I’ve come to clearly see what it is that I’ve known all along...I love story telling. Whether it be through my writing, images, interviews and more recently, videos...I just want to share stories.

 

And so, with this in mind, I launched a new project with my best friend Harrison Ponce, on January 1st. It’s inspired by the local artists around the Tampa Bay area and focuses on telling stories through writing, photography and videography. If you’re interested, check out localtwentytwo.com and follow us on Instagram: @localtwentytwo.

 

Over the past few days, I can’t help but keep replaying a scene from the trailer for the new season of Girls in my head. Zosia Mamet’s character says “I just don’t understand why nobody tells you how bad it’s going to be in the real world…” to which Allison Williams’ character replies, “Yeah they do...it’s pretty much all they tell you”. I just feel like this interaction entirely sums up being in your twenties, in two short sentences.

 

At this time in my life, I currently feel like I am at the edge of a cliff, about to jump. However, I have absolutely no idea what’s waiting below. It could be soft, pillowy clouds...or it could be dagger-sharp rocks. Plus, there’s also the off chance that nothing is waiting at all. It could just be an infinite feeling hole that ends with dirt and darkness. But either way, I have to jump. To quote Lena Dunham's new book (something you should expect a lot of for awhile), “The worst that will happen is that it will stay the same.”

 

Here’s to 2015. Here’s to a clean slate and starting over. Here’s to learning and making mistakes. To change and to growth. I can already feel that this year is somehow full of magic. I can feel all of the pieces falling into place and I am so anxious to see the possibilities that the coming months will bring. I can’t even imagine what my life will look like in a year and that genuinely excites me.

And so, to quote Lena one last time, I will end on this note “She is ambling along. She is looking for it.”

 

Photos by Harrison Ponce

(@Harrison_ponce)