Dani Kye: Fire

Despite what is probably popular belief, I am a people pleaser. And while the vulnerability of NEEDING something or someone scares the shit out of me, there isn’t anything I love more than BEING needed. I like to make the people that I'm close to comfortable and happy...almost to a fault. I’ve always been overwhelmed by feeling responsible for solving the problems of others. I feel like it’s my job to come up with a solution to whatever issues in their life may arise and I’m compelled to take their stress and put it onto myself.

Don’t feel like filling out the application for your college scholarships?

No worries! I’ll write them!

It’s 1am and you’re at a party you don’t feel comfortable at?
Don’t fret! I will totally drive an hour and a half across town to come pick you up!

Wanna do something, but don’t want to waste your gas?

Totally fine! I will pick you up and drive you to my house so you don’t have to!

Broke?

Don’t stress! I’ve got your lunch and dinner and drinks and snacks and LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE YOU WANT. I WOULD LITERALLY PAY YOUR RENT IF I COULD AFFORD IT.

Your mom’s, sister’s, neighbor’s, girlfriend’s, dog’s, babysitter’s, boyfriend needs a ride?
ABSOLUTELY NO PROBLEM I AM ON MY WAY RIGHT NOW!!! DON’T EVEN WORRY FOR ONE SECOND BECAUSE I’M TOTTTTALLLLYYYY GOING TO TAKE CARE OF IT!!!!

Over the past few weeks I’ve come to see that I’d made a habit out of doing anything within my power to make the lives of the people around me more easy. And while there’s only a limited amount of people that I care about enough to bend over backwards for...I had been willing to literally snap myself in half, just to promise the people I loved a little bit of relief.

Thankfully, a majority of the people in my life have respected me enough not to take advantage of that. However, I’ve inevitably had a couple who completely walked all over me (And by walked, I mean trampled).

It’s a terrible feeling when you wake up and realize that you wouldn’t dare ask someone to do for you, any of the things you’d done for them. You wouldn’t even consider it. For two reasons...1. You’d feel guilty asking so much from anyone...and 2. You know that they’d want to say no…(and if on the off chance they said yes...they’d hold it over your head for forever).

I’m sure a lot of (if not most) people have had someone or a few someone's in their life like this before. Whether it’s a friend, a family member or a girlfriend...we’ve all gone out of our way for someone, caused ourselves a lot of stress and gotten no appreciation in return.

I feel like everyone finally gets to a point in their life where they stop and ask themselves why it’s important to please everyone. Hopefully we’ll all eventually realize...it isn’t. The happiness and success of others is not your responsibility. No matter how much you love them, you can’t do everything for everyone. You can’t take all of the weight off their shoulders, just to hold it on yours. Sometimes it’s okay to let people fail so that they learn the lesson on their own. And it’s okay to be completely crushed when you don’t receive an ounce of gratitude for your help.

What’s NOT okay is smiling and nodding yes to the millionth favor your best friend asks of you, when they haven’t even asked how you’re doing in months. It’s not okay when people are mad at you for not being able to solve their problems. And it’s also not okay for people to only call you when they need something, because “they KNOW you won’t say no.”

I honestly didn’t even realize how many ridiculous things I’d happily agreed to do for people over the years that we’re completely insane. And I also didn’t realize how crazy it was that they expected these things of me.

As a woman who prides herself on “being independent” and “being able to stand up for herself”, I was genuinely upset that I allowed myself to be such a goddamn pushover in so many different situations. And as someone who haaaaates being told what to do more than anything in the world...I was shocked at how willingly I obliged to someone else’s wishes.

And so...I’ve recently vowed to remember that I am not responsible for other people. I have vowed to not say yes to every single favor asked of me. I have vowed to not risk my own happiness or well being, for that of those whom I love. And lastly, I have vowed to remember that it is okay for ME to ask for favors from those who ask for favors from me. I have to remember that asking for help is not a sign of weakness...it is a sign of trust.

And while it’s important to be kind, considerate and generous...it’s also important to respect yourself. By all means...please go to the edge of the Earth for those you truly care for, that’s what loving people is all about...just make sure they’re willing go just as far as you.

I read a quote a few weeks back that I can’t seem to get out of my head…"don’t set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.”