As human beings we’re always walking away from something. Be it a relationship, a job, a dream, a city or a stage in our lives...we are constantly in motion. We put an end to one thing and a start to something else. Recently, I’ve had to walk away from a few things and I’ve also had some things walk away from me. And I haven’t been able to figure out which is harder...being the one who is left, or being the one who leaves. Both are painful, but for different reasons.
Leaving is difficult because you’re filled with anxiety about whether or not you’re making the right choice. You have to try and decide if what you’ll be gaining is worth more than what you’re losing. While being left is painful because you have no say in the matter. One day something is there and then the next, its not. And there’s nothing you can do to change it.
I used to think that regardless of whether you were leaving or being left, it was always better to end anything and everything on friendly terms. I thought that mutual understanding and agreement that “this is the right thing to do”, was easier. I thought it was the more mature and “grown up” thing to do. However...I’ve recently realized that an amicable ending is not all it’s cracked up to be.
When it comes time to close one door, in hopes of opening another...you have a couple of things to consider. Are you going to walk away from the end of this thing separately or together? Are you going to stay cordial with this person you no longer wish to be close with? Or are you going to choose to ignore their existence? Do you leave with a blank slate and no hard feelings, or will you leave at the end of an all out war? Do you want to give your two weeks notice to your boss and thank them for all of the opportunities they’ve given you? Or, do you prefer to storm out of the office with a big “fuck you”?
I guess the real question is, do you want to leave that door slightly cracked? Or would you rather slam it shut?
Over the past week or two, I’ve come to see that it’s sometimes easier to end something on bad terms. When you leave on bad terms, there are no questions. You know why you left and why they left. It’s obvious. Eventually, you just can’t stand something anymore and you’ve got to get out. You’ve got to pack up, move away and never look back. You have to leave the person you we’re in the past and not think twice. You have quit that job and cut those toxic people out of your life. You leave, they leave...and you’re angry for a few days, or weeks. But then you get over it. And move on. Because, good riddance...right?
However...this is not the case when the ending doesn’t involve a screaming match or a mental breakdown. The worst kinds of endings are the ones that you never imagined would come. The ones where you wake up one day and it’s clear that something is gone, but there isn’t necessarily a reason for it...other than the fact it was just time to leave. These are the jobs you have to quit because it’s time to advance on to something bigger. These are the childhood versions of yourself that grew up. These are the dreams you let go of because you found something more realistic. And these are the people you love, who you slowly see less and less of until they’re no longer a part of your life.
These are the endings that kill you. Because you miss these things that you no longer have. And because sometimes you miss them so much you feel like your chest might implode on itself. Because it never feels like you had enough time. And you find yourself crying at random moments throughout the day…like when you’re brushing your teeth...stopped at a red light...or walking your dog. Or maybe that’s just me these past few days? ...haha.
Either way...walking away from anything, regardless of the circumstances is never easy. But it’s inevitable. You can’t stay in the same place for you whole life and expect to get anywhere. It sucks...but sometimes you have to let go. Everything happens for a reason. And even the BEST things that come into your life will one day be gone. But that’s only because they take up so much space. And eventually you’ll have to make room for the NEXT best thing. The universe puts certain people and opportunities into your life at the exact moment you need them. But it also removes them when they no longer serve you any purpose.
I think that’s a really important thing to remember (at least for me..) Just because you lose or get rid of something good, that doesn’t mean you’ll never have anything good ever again. Time heals all. There’s a line in a song that I love, “If you love something, give it away”.
Photos by Harrison Ponce
(@harrison_ponce)
No comments:
Post a Comment