Clean

Have you ever had a moment of clarity? A second when it’s as if you’re standing alone in an empty room and suddenly all of the lights switch on? Like you’ve been stuck in the dark for so long and now you can finally see everything for what it truly is? It’s refreshing, overwhelming and potentially very scary. Sometimes, these moments of illumination come when you’re feeling around blindly, searching for the light switch by yourself. But on a rare occasion, someone may come up from behind and flip the switch for you.

It’s interesting because basically everyone I know, myself included, is searching for clarity. But a lot of the times when we’re lucky enough to find it, we don’t like what we see. All of our past mistakes, flaws and emotional baggage are just laid out on the ground in giant mess and it’s our job to sift through, organize, arrange and throw away all of the parts we no longer need. And let me tell you, it’s a lot more work than it seems.

Recently, I’ve learned that what they say is true...the best people come into your life when you least expect them to. And if you’re lucky enough, they bring you a bit of clarity. Without even knowing it, they show you a new side of yourself that you didn’t even know existed. However when doing so, they can also show you the side of yourself that you don’t necessarily like.

About a month and a half ago, I met someone who has completely thrown me for a loop. In the best way possible. If you know me on a personal level, then you know that I can be rough, harsh and at times very cold. I’ve never thought of myself as being gentle, sweet or warm. And I am most certainly not affectionate or cute. And yet...here I am, sending someone all of these text messages with heart emojis and actually reaching for their hand in public.

It’s unfortunate that starting over with someone new often brings up unresolved issues from your past. It’s hard to break out of old patterns and routines and to fully comprehend that something genuine has finally come your way. After allowing yourself to accept so much less than what you deserve for such a long time, adjusting to something that seems so full and special is incredibly difficult. And often, in an attempt to to not completely fuck everything up, you can subconsciously start to build walls around yourself.

During the process of figuring out a new person and letting them into your secret little world, you tend learn a lot about yourself. Over the past few weeks I’ve become aware of the fact that I may be a tad bit emotionally stunted, in a romantic sense. I had a completely warped view of how a relationship was supposed to function and I had absolutely no idea that consistency, appreciation and support were something I had been missing out on for so long. I’ve also come to see that I spent a good portion of my life thinking that everyone could read my mind and knew how I felt about them, without me actually having to tell them.

I’ve always thought that I wore my emotions on my sleeve and that my feelings we’re so obvious to everyone around me, which I hated. Because of my past experiences, I assumed that everyone was the same. I assumed that they would all take the feelings that I had for them for granted and use them against me, to hurt me. And so over the years, I subconsciously developed this defense mechanism of appearing to have absolutely no feelings at all. I had perfected the the disguise of “The Girl Who Doesn’t Give A Shit” so well, that I started to believe that I really was incapable of feeling anything, good or bad, for anyone. I see now that this has been a huge issue for some time, which is very scary for me. And it's something that I'm working ridiculously hard to correct. What’s even scarier is the fact that I found someone who reminded that I’m actually a person who feels everything.

It’s crazy when one person can make you wish that you could go back in time to erase all of the bullshit from your past, in hopes that if you did, there would be a better version of yourself for them to get to know now. Maybe, if could you wipe away the past and erase all the emotional baggage, you’d be clean. For them. You’d have a blank slate. And then, there wouldn’t be anything standing the way of you starting over, together.

When you meet someone who is capable of making you feel so much, so quickly, it’s important to try your best to hold onto them, even if you’re afraid of getting hurt. And as much you want to panic and run as fast as you can in the opposite direction, I encourage you not to. You have to be open, honest and vulnerable. The more terrifying something is, the more important it is.

I guess the most imperative thing for you to do, is be patient. Be patient with yourself and hope that you found someone who’s willing to be patient with you. All I can say, is that if you feel like you we’re lucky enough to stumble upon something big, something that is real, trust your gut. Give yourself time, there’s no need to rush.

 

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Photos by Harrison Ponce

(@Harrison_ponce)

Video by Eddie Velez-Medero

(@___eddie_)